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I'm sure you've heard the saying:

When you assume you make an Ass of U and Me

Good advice right? I would have to agree, most of the time. But there IS an assumption that I think is VERY wise to make. One that can save a lot of hassle and relationship damage. I've always found it to be extremely helpful, when faced with a situation that is not going as expected, to ASSUME there is something I don't understand.

In other words, when someone has done something that makes you angry, or doesn't seem quite right, it's best to approach the situation from the standpoint that there may very well be SOME circumstance you don't know about which makes this behavior understandable, and quite possibly acceptable.

So instead of just giving someone a piece of your mind, start out by calmly asking a few questions. Explain at a high level what your concern is and ask the other party to 'help you understand' what's really going on. This shows the other party that you trust and respect them enough to assume they had a good reason for whatever it was they did. Because for the most part, people do.

You will find that approaching a situation this way makes a world of difference in the reaction and cooperation you get from the people you are working with. Even if you find that you understand the situation perfectly and still have a problem with it, just giving the other party a chance to explain what's going on without having to defend themselves goes a long way toward diffusing a potentially combative situation.

So next time you pick up that phone or step into that office, do it with the intention of finding out what it is that you don't understand.

There is an interesting phenomenon in the world of business. One that makes traditional methods of communication largely ineffective. This effect if ignored or unacknowledged can wreak havoc on a person's productivity, self-esteem and perceived value. What I'm talking about is something that many people perceive, but few seem to bring to a conscious level. It's the realization that:

If I want to talk to you, chances are you don't want to talk to me.

No, it's not a conspiracy theory, or a new-age 'less is more' type philosophy. The fact of the matter is that in business everyone has a job to do, and objective to accomplish. To make things happen in the business world, you have to get people to do things for you. In order to do this you have to communicate with them, build relationships, communicate your needs.

In the meantime, these same people are looking around for those people who can do things for them. If you are not one of those people, and lets face it not many business relationships are truly two way streets, then it's likely there will be other people on their list of calls to make.

Nowhere is this behavior more obvious than at a company sponsored social event. Everyone is jockeying to get close to their bosses and key clients, who are busily searching the room for the VIPs THEY want to be seen with. So off they go with you trailing after them like a lost puppy, because hey, they might just introduce you to some REALLY important people.

And what if YOU'RE the one everyone wants to see? What if you are surrounded by an attentive crowd? Well most likely what that means is that everone in the room wants something from YOU. Nice for the ego, but potentially not a lot of help in achieving your own objectives.

So is all this a bad thing? Something we can turn around with a management fad-of-the-week? No, it's just reality and being aware of it can help you adjust your communication styles to be more effective. In other words, realize that they can help you more than you can help them. Don't waste a lot of their time. Make your communications quick and concise and then let them get on with the important business of chasing down the people that can help THEM.

There are a LOT of self-help books out there. A quick search on Amazon will return over 5600 different titles to choose from. That's a lot of self-help, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. After a quick persual of a few of them you'll see that they all follow the same basic format:

• Introduction of the basic problem (including horrifying examples of how it will eventually ruin your life)
• A never before heard-of and practically foolproof list of steps to take to turn yourself, your problem and your life around
• A closing section, usually brief, on how to apply these steps to your own life

Seems simple doesn't it? Then why is there a continued need? Why do people buy volume after volume? Do they aquire new problems? Do the old ones come back? If these books aren't an effective method for improving one's life, why continue to buy them?

I believe one reason is that people can't help but think that if some improvement is good, then more must be better. If they are able to improve one area of their lives there must be another that could stand to be next. So they go looking for the next area to trim down, shape up or manage away. This works very much in the favor of the selp-help gurus.

Unfortunately it also wastes a lot of time. Time that could be used productively someplace else. Is it any wonder that we are always 'improving' yet not accomlishing as much as we feel we should? After all there is no better way to give the impression that things are moving forward than by implementing a 'new process' or a 'change in management' or an 'action plan'. People are moving, they are getting things done. Things feel different. So it must be better right? Right?

I'm not so sure. I don't think it's enough to make change after change, just because things aren't perfect yet. Like the dreamer searching for the ever-elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you can never quite get there. Now that's not to say that change is never good, or that self-help books aren't sometimes quite useful. I think it's more a matter of optimizing their use; applying your efforts to the areas that need the most improvement, and then actually paying attention to the quantifiable difference between the old you and the new improved you.